The last handful of years have been full of many things, good and bad, and yet none of it really fits into this space. Maybe someday I'll document those triumphs and failures. And oh yes, I've failed in some spectacular ways.
One thing about me, though, is that I dream. I dream big when I do, too. And as everyone who knows me knows, I tend to do things the hard way. So my big dreams aren't simple, sensible ones; no, that would be too easy.
Sure they reflect the common zeitgeist as often as not -- the hope for love, for family, for interesting challenges. But I will give them a twist like few others can.
I tilt at windmills, I try to achieve the amazing, some might say the impossible, and sometimes I fail spectacularly... and sometimes I make it. I feel it's always worth trying. Maybe that makes me reckless and stupid, maybe it makes me too clever by half (goodness knows I suffer from that malady), or maybe I just have big dreams and I can't help it.
I'm also so very aware of all the ways we defeat ourselves. It's easy to defeat yourself; you are your own worst enemy when it comes to achieving your dreams. You know your own weaknesses, you know your own insecurities, so you know exactly where to stick the knife and how hard to twist it.
I achieve what I do achieve because of where I put my focus, my attention, my energy. I feed the goal at hand, I stay focused in the moment, and work through the big picture one step at a time. It's the journey that's important, and while yes you do have to keep the big picture in mind, you don't live the big picture, you don't solve the big picture; you take one small step at a time and over time you achieve a great thing.
When I get distracted or overwhelmed by the vastness of my goals, I write them down, put them in a form that is not in my head, so I don't have to carry their weight around all the time.
I can be positive, and focused, and determined all I want to be, but there will still be events that rattle me. Or night dreams. The subconscious is an evil bastard sometimes. Dreaming of failure, when I'm defenseless, asleep. Not fair, brain! Not fair at all.
I refuse to give up. I will (grudgingly, unwillingly) accept failure if it turns out that way, but I will not create failure by giving up. I will see how this story turns out, read it until the very end, and then look for the sequel. Sure, chapter three is scary, and it may seem hopeless for the protagonist, but that is no reason to close the book and put it back on the shelf.
I refuse to give in to my impatience. And yes, I can be so very impatient. I want what I want, and I want it now. There is a frustrated two-year-old in my head stamping his feet and shouting his demands. But I know better. I know that to push too hard, to go too fast, to give in to impatience can kill a fragile dream. Some things take time. Some things need nurturing. Some things need patience. And, as someone once noted, and to my surprise, I can also be one of the most patient people around.
So I continue to dream, and while dreaming, put one foot after the other and hope that the path I am on leads me somewhere interesting.